Knotty Pants

I keep going back and forth on this feminist business. I remember the first time I declared that I wasn't one, Myne Whitman was pretty unhappy with me for that. Then, I went back and decided yep, am definitely a feminist and jolly proud to be one too (especially reading articles like this!). Now I've decided, as with  every label I consider ill-fitting for me, I reject this!

I am a Nigerian. Born in Nigeria, raised in Nigeria, married to a Nigerian, has a Nigerian son. Until I came to the UK, I did not quite identify myself as an African, since I really didn't know enough about what the other Africans did. Since coming to the UK, I still say "I'm Nigerian" as against "African". The first time someone in my son's nursery described him (she was reporting a conversation she had with Bomboy's fmr teacher) as 'the African boy', believe me I reacted inwardly. That's because, up until that moment, I had never associated my son to the continent. I have regarded him as his own person, with behaviours that are neither African nor English. He was just him, doing the things his classmates did irrespective of where they are from. 

And this is how I view labels: they denote beyond the somewhat biological factors like sex, race, or your beliefs. They often try to neatly package a set of behaviours that makes it authentic. For instance, I remember being told (accused) of not acting Nigerian enough a number of times. & being called Godless/atheist because I held religious views that were outside someone's comfort zone. Thus, while I hold very strong gender views such a woman should get the final call on abortion; childcare needs to stop being exclusively her job; if she wants to pursue her career then she certainly do, & not have to wait until the kids are all grown up & the man has retired; including a host of others. One might think that the belief in the equality of men and women alone is sufficient to make me a card-carrying member of the feminist party worldwide, but it appears I also need to compile to behavioural attributes which are varied, depending on who you speak to. I pretty much doubt I would check all of the boxes, nor do I care at any rate. 

That there is my main wahala with the label - my belief is not enough - I have to conform to what is 'feminist'. I read an article on Daily Mail about how more young women are taking their husband's surname after marriage. As with all DM article, the comments are the best part. There, you find women making cases for feminism - for and against, as well as citing traditional society in the Scandinavia where the choice of what surname a woman and her children take has little to do with feminism. Now, I kept wondering, how did feminism come into the mix in the first place?  Although socially, I go by my married name (again, just don't call me MRS), it is my maiden name on all formal documents. I don't see women who decide to change their surname as being less 'feminist' than I am so long they are not doing it because the man is the head of the family & "he married me".

Which brings me to the second wahala I have with the politics surrounding feminism. It can make it quite difficult to separate one's personal conviction from the over all feminist agenda. For example, I reject this idea some of our women have bought into: that equality should not dislodge a man from his position as the head of the family. They have come up with a solution: the man is the head, but the woman is the neck - both are equally important and fulfilling vital roles. Good for them. Just doesn't fly with me! And it's not because it goes against what feminism promotes - actually, I don't know if it does or not. Probably not, but for those who know, does it? My issue with is that this: it's the head that turns the neck. How then can you preach equality while firmly keeping women subject to a man's will? 

Lastly, why is the decision whether to embrace with the label or not such a big fucking deal?? Sugabelly's article on YNaija had big issues with women who say they are not feminist. I feel she could have been a little bit more sympathetic. To begin with, feminism is still very much at the budding stage in Nigeria and therefore a large part of what could influence its rejection or acceptance has to do with people's impression of feminists such as:

• "Unhappy women who hate men" like I understand one journalist interviewing Chimamanda Adichie defined,
• or taking from this comment "being a respectful wife to my husband has in no way subtracted from my womandhood . . . and [list of her career achievements] this has in no way made me try to be the boss at  home", disrespectful women who want to lord it over their men - women who are most probably heading for divorce anyway, 
• and it turns out, tomboys - hence Temie Giwa enlightened us about her love for shoes and a number of other things. 

I can't imagine a young single woman wanting to get marriage would be that eager to be disqualified before that man of her dream even gets to know what makes her tick. Apparently the married ones are worried about what it says of their relationship with their husbands, and are driven to defend the existence of absolute bliss in their homes. I mean, I can't think of any other reason Beyonce saw need to clarify that she is happily married when asked if she is a feminist.


Personally, I feel this brouhaha about whether or not one is a feminist distracts from the entire gender equality struggle. Moreover, I think it makes this struggle a 'woman' or a woman versus men issue, when it should not be. I want the men to look at the hard facts of what inequality has done and continue to do to women, be ashamed of it and commit to seeing it stop.

As such, as far as I'm concerned, be a feminist if you want, don't be a feminist if you want, just keep up the fight of demanding equality for all women. Besides, does it matter so much what a person choses to be called, so long as he/she is promoting the same message? So, I say let us reject the social constructs that have disabled women - especially those related to finance. As much as people like to blame feminism for the higher rate of divorce, I say if divorce is an indication that there are more women financially independent, thus do not have to endure a horrible marriage, then that is good thing! Let the men therefore decide to be better husbands, demand more of themselves!


I'm out!