Knotty Pants

I suppose, unlike a number of Nigerian women whose teeth clamp up once they marry, I am quite open to talk about about sex. Actually, I very much enjoy talking about sex. For one, I love breaking out of the mould. And two, well it's fun to talk about. But, there is a stigma that comes with it. Being called a sex writer (I abhor that!) is one. Another is being afraid you have been cast in a role that you will forever fight to burst out from. And so, while I continue sending articles to Daily Times while I was back in Nigeria, I was quite uncomfortable with continuing writing the column. It was a little easy with DT. Ugo Chime is quite a unisex name, so many assumed I was a man - yep, you guessed it. Men can always talk about it, married or not. It doesn't diminish their professional image. When a man is talking about sex in general, it is not regarded as a 'green light'. He's just being his naughty self. Well, I am a woman and I don't get that ticket. Additionally, I am a married woman - "what does your husband think of this?"

It has been a while I updated my DT column, not because I finally gave in to my discomfort, but because I had new worries in life and heavily in life now and, as usual, something has got to give. But, my school days are gradually coming to an end now, and I have to decide what to do with my writing self. I was asked to blog for a public health/international development platform, but those guys sound so 'smart' and technical, I couldn't breathe. Perhaps with some learning, I could get to sound like that too, but it's really not my style (or maybe I'm giving up too easy without a fight. But, who knows. Maybe I will surprise myself, and you all will read a piece from me that displays exceptional critical reasoning abilities - although I doubt that). I like informal writing. It's more personal - duh! And, my favourite word, non-conformist. I'm a Sagittarian - we loathe boundaries. 

Anyway, so I got this new opportunity for me to write creatively again. As one of the editors put it "Your pieces on erotica proved quite popular". Hehehehehehehe. Okay, I accept that compliment, and pretend it's not probably those clicking on the links that turn around and dub me 'sex writer'. Question is, do I still want to write in this way? While I don't ever see myself seeking a political position, I am hoping to build a career in health policy. And should my plans for PhD work out (the yeye thing has suffered several blows in the past, yet I press on), should I not be more 'serious-sounding'? The good thing is that Ugo Chime is not my official name, and I should still be able to keep my two personas separate. But, that's not a lot of fun, is it? Keeping up with which persona I am to who?

Again, will the world ever get to the point where sex used in the same context as woman isn't equal to easy? 

NB: Would you believe the photo I used for this post was drawn in 1885!!!! Amazing! The world wasn't as conservative as people want to insist it was. 

Ciao

I keep going back and forth on this feminist business. I remember the first time I declared that I wasn't one, Myne Whitman was pretty unhappy with me for that. Then, I went back and decided yep, am definitely a feminist and jolly proud to be one too (especially reading articles like this!). Now I've decided, as with  every label I consider ill-fitting for me, I reject this!

I am a Nigerian. Born in Nigeria, raised in Nigeria, married to a Nigerian, has a Nigerian son. Until I came to the UK, I did not quite identify myself as an African, since I really didn't know enough about what the other Africans did. Since coming to the UK, I still say "I'm Nigerian" as against "African". The first time someone in my son's nursery described him (she was reporting a conversation she had with Bomboy's fmr teacher) as 'the African boy', believe me I reacted inwardly. That's because, up until that moment, I had never associated my son to the continent. I have regarded him as his own person, with behaviours that are neither African nor English. He was just him, doing the things his classmates did irrespective of where they are from. 

And this is how I view labels: they denote beyond the somewhat biological factors like sex, race, or your beliefs. They often try to neatly package a set of behaviours that makes it authentic. For instance, I remember being told (accused) of not acting Nigerian enough a number of times. & being called Godless/atheist because I held religious views that were outside someone's comfort zone. Thus, while I hold very strong gender views such a woman should get the final call on abortion; childcare needs to stop being exclusively her job; if she wants to pursue her career then she certainly do, & not have to wait until the kids are all grown up & the man has retired; including a host of others. One might think that the belief in the equality of men and women alone is sufficient to make me a card-carrying member of the feminist party worldwide, but it appears I also need to compile to behavioural attributes which are varied, depending on who you speak to. I pretty much doubt I would check all of the boxes, nor do I care at any rate. 

That there is my main wahala with the label - my belief is not enough - I have to conform to what is 'feminist'. I read an article on Daily Mail about how more young women are taking their husband's surname after marriage. As with all DM article, the comments are the best part. There, you find women making cases for feminism - for and against, as well as citing traditional society in the Scandinavia where the choice of what surname a woman and her children take has little to do with feminism. Now, I kept wondering, how did feminism come into the mix in the first place?  Although socially, I go by my married name (again, just don't call me MRS), it is my maiden name on all formal documents. I don't see women who decide to change their surname as being less 'feminist' than I am so long they are not doing it because the man is the head of the family & "he married me".

Which brings me to the second wahala I have with the politics surrounding feminism. It can make it quite difficult to separate one's personal conviction from the over all feminist agenda. For example, I reject this idea some of our women have bought into: that equality should not dislodge a man from his position as the head of the family. They have come up with a solution: the man is the head, but the woman is the neck - both are equally important and fulfilling vital roles. Good for them. Just doesn't fly with me! And it's not because it goes against what feminism promotes - actually, I don't know if it does or not. Probably not, but for those who know, does it? My issue with is that this: it's the head that turns the neck. How then can you preach equality while firmly keeping women subject to a man's will? 

Lastly, why is the decision whether to embrace with the label or not such a big fucking deal?? Sugabelly's article on YNaija had big issues with women who say they are not feminist. I feel she could have been a little bit more sympathetic. To begin with, feminism is still very much at the budding stage in Nigeria and therefore a large part of what could influence its rejection or acceptance has to do with people's impression of feminists such as:

• "Unhappy women who hate men" like I understand one journalist interviewing Chimamanda Adichie defined,
• or taking from this comment "being a respectful wife to my husband has in no way subtracted from my womandhood . . . and [list of her career achievements] this has in no way made me try to be the boss at  home", disrespectful women who want to lord it over their men - women who are most probably heading for divorce anyway, 
• and it turns out, tomboys - hence Temie Giwa enlightened us about her love for shoes and a number of other things. 

I can't imagine a young single woman wanting to get marriage would be that eager to be disqualified before that man of her dream even gets to know what makes her tick. Apparently the married ones are worried about what it says of their relationship with their husbands, and are driven to defend the existence of absolute bliss in their homes. I mean, I can't think of any other reason Beyonce saw need to clarify that she is happily married when asked if she is a feminist.


Personally, I feel this brouhaha about whether or not one is a feminist distracts from the entire gender equality struggle. Moreover, I think it makes this struggle a 'woman' or a woman versus men issue, when it should not be. I want the men to look at the hard facts of what inequality has done and continue to do to women, be ashamed of it and commit to seeing it stop.

As such, as far as I'm concerned, be a feminist if you want, don't be a feminist if you want, just keep up the fight of demanding equality for all women. Besides, does it matter so much what a person choses to be called, so long as he/she is promoting the same message? So, I say let us reject the social constructs that have disabled women - especially those related to finance. As much as people like to blame feminism for the higher rate of divorce, I say if divorce is an indication that there are more women financially independent, thus do not have to endure a horrible marriage, then that is good thing! Let the men therefore decide to be better husbands, demand more of themselves!


I'm out!

For a while, I took Angelina Jolie snatching Jennifer Aniston's husband very personal. I mean, the thing pain me eh. Then when they said Angie tried to 'destroy' Jen, kai kai kai! Plus, that she said she didn't have female friends. That was it! I decided this women is evil! And everything she did from then on was coloured with serious bad-belle. Yes, she is beautiful; but she's evil. Yes, she is philanthropic; she's still evil. I was solidly TeamJen and will fight anyone who dares argue that Brad Pitt is better with his present partner. So, it is very out of character for me to, for a day - on Monday, switch allegiance to TeamAngie.

I absolutely agree that her piece featured on NY Times about her preventive double mastectomy is inspirational (if you haven't read it - where the hell have you been?! - here is a link). It really got me thinking about my own hereditary health risks. My mom, dad & maternal grandmother are all diabetic. My maternal grandfather died from a diabetic injury. My paternal grandmother, who lived to her 90s, suffered hypertension for as long as I knew her. My paternal grandfather died from prostrate cancer (less of a risk for me though, but I suppose cancer is cancer anyhow). As you can see, diabetes is probably something I should be watching out for very closely. 

Shamefully, I am not. Aside from avoiding food high in refined sugar (more out of weight concerns than health, I must confess. Even  then, I have been known to binge on all that is bad for me when under stress or depressed), I have done very little to reduce my risk. In fact, it's so bad that I know very little about what I could proactively do. I had always kind of associated diabetes with middle age, and since I was a still few decade away from that, I was safe. Indeed, prevalence is higher in older population (that one public health speak, forgive me. I know you sha get what I mean), it is not uncommon in all other ages. Moreover, mortality (death) to diabetes is pretty high enough for Africans (including those in the diaspora) to be a something to be concerned about. These are things I have known for a while now, but paid little personal attention to. It had to take Ms. Jolie to give me a reality kick to bring it home. 

I have to commend her also for highlighting that there are many more deaths due to breast cancer in low and middle income countries. This is, actually, not rocket science for any of you who have come across all the 'Save XYZ' on Linda Ikeji or other blogs. These cancer patients, evidently at the terminal stage of the disease, would not wait this long if they would have either been diagnosed early or could have raised sufficient funds on their own for curative surgery/chermotheraphy/etc without having to take to the begging bowls. Preventive surgery and genetic investigations, options available and affordable for Ms. Jolie, are far far away for most Nigerians, and most people from low (especially them) and middle income countries. As such, I wish Angelina had shed a little more light on this area. She is a celebrity advocate for the UN, she must know a thing or two about global health. She has the platform, and seeing how the entire cyberspace is alight with this news of her surgery, she can influence many more people outside the health sector to have serious conversation about the state of health in much of the world.

Over all, it is a nobel thing Angelina Jolie did. And, even if just for a day, I absolutely love her for it!

Ciao

Note: I'm afraid I suffer from enormous time constraint, so I wish to ask that any blogger who visits drops their blog address on the comment box. I have been away for so long, & lost track of who is who in blogville. Thanks. Muah

It's been a long while i blogged (as FlourishingFlorida + the many alias that it birthed, as Bambino & as one of the many writers of In My Dreams series). I just kinda didn't have the interest to share my thoughts anymore. But, maybe it is time to start again. 

So, what is different? Well, for starters, am married now (going on 5 years now. wow! How time flies). My bombino is a hyperactive three years old. I relocated (temporarily) to the UK, and may be relocating once again to either Nigeria, or US (plans are up in the air right now). I have kinda given up on creative writing. Kinda came to the point of telling myself that am no good at it. I am a poor postgraduate student who should have a stake at Poundland, 99p Shop & Primark by now, for how much of my pennies they have in their possession right now. Amazon owns my son a few percentage too - I have bought far too much toys, books, & everything that bomboy finds ways to spoil for me to replace. 

I am enjoying studying public health (y'all will soon find out, cos it'd be heavily featuring in this blog). & it fuels in my interest in everything feminine - not the shoe shopping or fashion bit tho (na person wey get money dey buy shoes & clothes). But feminine in the scene of all crap women get to take from the world. So, yep this is a venting blog for me, for all the things i feel we women could do better in, should demand for, should be able to fight for without that dreary label 'feminist' attached to us. Once in a while, i shall feature a fictional story here too (series maybe, who knows). 

That said, if anyone feels am a feminist - no biggie. I won't call myself that, but i shall not stop anyone for identifying me as one. I hope this second (third? fourth?) missionary journey between me & blogging will be fun for me, & for anyone who gets to read me.