Tuesday 17 September 2013
I
love how 'broken' was defined in a training I was once a part of – a home where
the spouses are in acrimony, whether they live together or apart. We tend to
associate broken homes with divorce, thus the kids are all right so long the
parents somehow manage to keep it together without going nuclear on themselves.
But, that’s not quite the truth. Ask anyone from a broken home and they will
tell you they never quite overcome the psychological damage it’s had on them.
And I don't mean girls having daddy issues or boys growing up to become the
abusive partners they saw their daddies were. I mean, for normal supposedly
well-adjusted people, you carry these scars around like battle wounds.
So
anyway, my mom had one of her old friends over at the house. The woman was in
the UK on holiday and one night she talked about her marriage. I knew enough of
my mom's friends back in the day to know what to expect, as they were a cohort
of women in terrible marriages. I remember how dad used to jeer at mom, saying
she is a magnet for women who are not living happily with their husbands. That
she specifically chooses these women because – misery loves company, yes –
mostly because she didn’t want to learn what happy wives do to keep a
flourishing home. So, I wasn't entirely surprised by the story the woman told.
Besides, she was religious in a way that told you she’s had some pretty awful
experience. And she had, a lot worse than mom. I always used to hate how mom
let my dad get away with shit. But compared to her friend, mom was a
tigress. Hearing the woman talk brought memories of how I had made up my
mind I wasn't “less” than a man. This was long before I ever heard of the word
“feminism.” The things I saw in our house growing up – my mom needing my dad's
permission for everything, probably including taking a dump. Dad proudly
declaring, when he confiscated my mom's properties after a huge fight, that mom
had nothing on her own. Everything she owned belonged to him. What’s more, this
didn't go the other way. I said, hell no!
Of
course education and exposure has strengthen those rudimentary passions for
equality, and given me – hmmm, you could say backbone – to insist that men and
women are equal, and no one is more important than the other. This has been my
mantra and one my husband has heard far more times than he cares for, I'm sure.
Whenever he goes, “I'm your husband” I immediately counter with, “and I'm your
wife.” I do this, not in defence of equality really, it's more a reflex
reaction to memories of what “I'm your husband” stood for when they had come
from my dad. So I fight it. I fight it with all my might. I shall not become
that woman who has no say in her own home. I shall not become that woman who is
left penniless by a man. A woman who is shouted down by her man, as he demands
for respect, completely ignorant of the irony. I shall not become that woman
who stays in a marriage because she is financially dependent on her husband to
take care of their children. Feminism is the last thing on my mind at those
times. I am merely fighting the demons of the past – self-preserving, you could
say.
I’m
supposed to be talking about how I negotiate equality in my marriage. I
honestly don't know if I have successfully done that. I know I insist on my
right as an individual. I know MM has been very understanding of the baggage I
brought into the marriage. He knows it is less of a theory for me than it is
about me making sure I never have the sort of marriage my mom had. And I think
him knowing helped him make changes. He used to be a bit of a “hard man” when
we first married – the first year, quite difficult one, I must say. A number of
times he’d demanded for his “rights as a husband” that the Igbo culture
supposedly ascribed to men. I fought him on it. I remember one day shouting
back at him when he raised his voice, “I'm not your daughter! If you want to
talk to me, you talk to me with respect!” (Yes, I see the irony).
I
don't know what exactly he had in mind going into our marriage, the ideal
marital relationship he envisioned. I feel he didn't quite get what he
bargained for, though. Sometimes, he says I marketed myself as this very
difficult person but I am not. Sometimes, he accuses me of turning everything
into women empowerment. Sometimes, he says things like “am I not enough for
you?” when I'm recounting my grand career plans and he fears this woman is too
ambitious. But I think overall he’s coming to grips with who his wife is, and
he loves her nonetheless. He really reassures me of that and often. You see,
the thing is, I'm constantly on flight mode – mentally preparing myself to land
on my feet should any man leave me. My mom was left by her husband, and that
shit ain’t going to happen to me – or at least catch me unawares. Well, dad did
eventually bring mom back again, but then she finally left and has remarried
now and very happy.
I
believe today is a good day to blog about negotiating equality in marriage
because today I officially stop being a student. This time last year, MM was
sulking because I made him come to UK. I made him leave his son
behind with me while I pursued my dreams. This time last year, I was really
scared all those prophets of doom were right when they said my going for my
master’s would ruin my marriage. But this had been a battle I fought for a very
long time. From the time I applied for the programme, to the time MM was pissed
cos I wasn’t contributing jack to the
house but was instead saving every kobo so I could pay for my tuition fees, to
the time it looked like I was going to have to travel without Bomboy cos I
needed MM to apply for visa along with us to be allowed to take him as a
dependent. It had been a very long battle, and I had steadfastly refused to
give up. But, I shall write more about that in a minute.
I love MM. I love that despite the extra requirement I have of him to go beyond what I see as the typical Nigerian husband, he is not sitting on his high throne going, “woman, you behave or you'll be replaced.” I, on a general principle, let him run his race. So you hardly find us disagreeing over something he wants to do. I may not understand it, but I mostly don’t interfere. He’s very stubborn – he’d probably go ahead and do it – or not do it, depending on the circumstances – at any rate, anyway. Where we sometimes have issues is in things that I want that he doesn’t. Sometimes our negotiation is smooth – he 'yields' to me even before I ask. Or we amicably reach a consensus that pleases both partners. Other times, I press and press and press and we argue and argue and argue, and finally he surrenders. Yes, it is indeed surrender. It's quite clear he hadn't wanted bomboy and I moving to the UK. It wasn’t his idea of an ideal family setting: a cozy family unit where everyone is all under the same roof. But I needed to give my career a kick in the butt, so I was going for the programme whether he liked it or not. But I wanted him to like it – to want it for me. I wanted us to be in it together. So I didn't let him rest until he said, “fine! Go and get this out of your system!” He was probably thinking if he didn’t let this woman go, she was going to file for divorce or something. That wasn’t good enough for me, however. I needed him to be excited with me, to plan with me, despair with me. It hasn’t been easy this past year, especially surviving an incredibly stressful dissertation when I was in a rotten mood 80% of the thing. But somehow we managed to stay happy and have very little fights.
I
am proud of myself for sticking to my guns, for insisting that what I wanted
mattered – although it was viewed as selfish, but nonetheless it
mattered because it was important to me. When women get married, they are often
required to stop being selfish – i.e. give up all your dreams and
aspirations, live now according to the wishes of your husband. But I wasn't
that sort of a person, and I wouldn't be cowed by the threat of the loss of a
marriage. Mostly because that threat didn't come from the person I was actually
married to. So yeah, I have a lot to appreciate MM for sticking around even
when I ‘disobeyed’ him. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done
if he was one of those men who insist their wives must submit or be gone. Truth
be told, I would rather be gone. Why, because there would always be something
else I want to do that he wouldn’t agree with, and then we're back to square
one. How would I continue to be with someone whose very intent is to subdue me?
I'm too much a fighter to take it lying down. But I don’t know if I have the
energy to keep on fighting for so long a time. That would make for a very toxic
environment, and I’m not strong enough to strive in such.
Finally, I think equality – or its
closest cousin, because really I don’t believe any relationship is truly equal
– is something that is possible when one has a willing partner. So, here my
advice for the day: dudes, it’s no use marrying a ‘women empowerment’ type of
girl with the intention to change her. There are two things that can happen.
You break her, and she will forever resent you for it. Or you break her and she
leaves your ass. And if you’re going to have kids with her, well you’re not
doing those children any favours with such agenda. And women, dare to stand up
for what you want in your marriage!
Ciao
I like d part about ur mom.am glad she's happily married now.I knew alil abt wat was going on.wish u well.
ReplyDeletehmmm. curiouser and curiouser. Oya, reveal yourself
Deletegreat piece, I love the last paragraph. In my opinion, what works is the balance..a great deal of selflessness here, a little selfishness there, because a marriage always requires sacrifices. But as you said, once your partner is in it with you, you can have the best of both worlds. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post. I'm very truly proud of you for insisting on remaining true to yourself and true to your goals. It's very easy to relent in the face of fear of losing something to gain something. But if something is important enough to you, you go get it no matter what you stand to lose. Too many women are unhappy because they've given away so much of themselves to keep something they probably won't mind living without. I hope to continue to remain true to my goals after I get married as well. He already knows what he's dealing with so...:)
ReplyDeleteNice one Ugo, honest and feisty.
ReplyDeletehaHAHA i think every man at some point pulls that “I'm your husband” line...i agree with this article 96%. my parents had a good marriage by the society standards! but my mom was a stay at home wife and depended on her husband for everything, as in every darn thing. i grew up not wanting that kind of life in any way and that has made me fiercely independent! luckily, God has been good to me, i'v had a somewhat successful career.
ReplyDeleteI however disagree that to stop being selfish you need to give up all your dreams and aspirations, live now according to the wishes of your husband. I think selfishness has no place in a marriage really, both for the man and the woman. compromise (which may involve both parties shifting grounds to arrive at a common ground) should be the watchword
using your real life example, selfishness would have been "i'm going whether you like it or not" but you pressed and argued until he saw it your way and said ok go....
Selfishness would have been him saying, "either you stay back or you pack your load and dont come back" but a common ground can be " ok, go but leave bom boy behing" or "ok go but you need to come back immediately you are done" or 'ok go but you will need to come to Nigeria for Christmas and summer holiday' or something along those lines
I dont think it should ever be my way or nothing! there is always room for negotiations, for compromise and for understanding. my two cents sha
p.s i never knew your mom remarried. good for her!
kai! my own comment come long pass the article...
ReplyDelete