Archive for 2013
Why We Need Nigerian Married Men and Women Pushing For Gender Equality
One of the things I learnt from my
program – more so with the political science course I took on health policy –
is that very few things (if any) are ever black and white. Thus to communicate
these many shades of grey, especially to a particular audience, much is
dependent on the language you use. Another word for this is
"framing", which I feel captures it aptly. Simply put, framing is
about choosing to say/present something in the language or context your
audience will best understand or would be more inclined to agree to. It is
about tweaking your message, without changing your core beliefs. For example,
to get the USA to take HIV/AIDS seriously, and to commit their abundant funds
to fight the epidemic, the disease was framed as a security risk to America. It
was no longer just something that was killing those poor, starving Africans
& unfortunate gay men who aren't practicing safe sex. It was no longer a “something
that happens to them” message, but “something that harms us”. And who wouldn't
sit up straighter when they hear the second message compared to the first?
I have been thinking about framing as it is used in gender equality. More in the sense that it hasn't yet been framed right, particularly in Nigeria. Or rather, the majority of the framing has been mostly in the way that rubs people the wrong way. I suppose the message I received on Facebook is an illustration of the image equality has in the mind of many. What happened was that I had written a note and posted a photo from my wedding on our fifth anniversary and someone thought I should know that he thought my “mouth dey leak like some sexual liberated woman, I think. Anyway so it’s surprising you’re married, and with a kid, 5 years straight. I just pictured you as some woman in her thirties with a lot of sexual experience, though presently unattached or at least unmarried.”
I am not going to focus on the
rudeness of being told my “mouth dey leak”, but yeah I was offended by that
message. For one thing, I sometimes picture myself as one of those annoying
married women who always find some ways to drag their husbands and kids into
everything. Online comments, movies/TV shows references tells me there are
plenty who frown at this behaviour, but it is a bad habit I kind of don’t want
to break. I love my family so much, and to have to make great efforts to speak
as little about them as possible, so as not to tick someone off, is not
something I want to do. So, considering that my family is a visible part of my
life, I couldn’t understand why this person had somehow managed to skip out on
all those posts that focused on them but dwelt on those on gender equality and
sex? Of course, people are funny and often tend to see only what they want, but
it did make me think.
Presently, gender equality is very negatively represented
in Nigeria, and this is even among the educated. I know too many well-learned
friends who still think gender equality is all about a woman spending money on her
man, or young ladies who scout for the richest man to marry them. They complain
about women who hoard their money and make their husbands do all the spending.
Women who keep secret bank accounts, and have secret properties. There is also
the talk about the havoc equality wreaks on the family unit. Women are not
willing to submit, and their marriage soon crash. They prefer to gallivant
about town with their single friends and fight over wealthy men with these
women. Then, there is the “loose women” group I was perhaps thought to belong
to – the “sexually liberated” who couldn’t possibly be married because proper married
women don’t behave in that way. This pretty much sums up the picture that is
painted in people’s mind when they think of gender equality. There are even
people who think only women advocate for equality. This is the result of the
way gender equality has been framed – this is the framing that is promoted by
those who are against equality. And because framing works either ways, for good
and for bad, what better way to get people to reject something if not by
showing them that it does not work in their favour, that it is exactly what
they don’t want. Same way that homosexuality was framed as an outcome of
children being sexually abused. Till date, there are people who still buy into
that frame. They tell stories of abused boys who are gay when they grew up, and
say nothing of those raised in a perfectly healthy home and had perfectly
healthy childhood.
In that sense, I think we advocates of equality need to
acknowledge that this is the framing. But beyond that, we need to acknowledge
the underling value behind this frame: that family life is very important to
our society. We can’t negate this value, because to do so means to keep playing
into the hands of those who are actively fighting equality. In other to sell
equality, we need to present it as something that does to threaten this social
value. We need to sell it as pro-family. We would do it in a different way, but
we absolutely need to. What’s more, I know some people will not agree with me,
there is a very good place for Nigerian married men and woman and those in
committed relationships in this. I think that they are positioned to be good
ambassadors of equality. Someone might think, “oh, you are saying we should
teach girls that marriage is all and all.” No, absolutely not. But to
continually emphasise that marriage isn’t all and all, while paying little
attention to marriages where equality has been successfully practiced, would be
reinforcing the existing negative frame. The message becomes, “don't marry; men
are bad.” But people want to marry, so they will turn against
the messenger and reject the message.
If there are few married women and men who are vocal about
gender equality, it gives off the impression that advocates of equality are
women who are all alone, single, or divorced. We are indirectly giving credence
to the erroneous stereotype that has associates equality with bad wives, unruly
women and broken home. So, why do we then play into the frame that hurts our
cause? Should we then be surprised that a young woman, when she is of the age
to marry, would rather swear by her mother and father that she is not a
feminist? Why would she want to be? Human beings are inherently
self-preserving, so you can be assured she is considering what good it does her
to call herself one. If she feels it is going to limit her chances of getting
married, why then should she? If getting married is what she wants, why should
you insist that she gives it up or shame her for having such a desire? If she
feels she is going to be unhappy single, do you tell her she won’t? How do you
know? As someone I know often says, “are you in my head?” So it is for men. To
ask him to live with a woman who keeps secrets, secrets he may consider deadly,
is neglecting his own ideas of what marriage life is.
We need to embrace the fact that marriage holds a social
value, and some people want that. So to buy into equality, people want to be
made to feel that they are not going to lose out on this thing that they have
attached so much value to. Why do I say married people are positioned to sell
equality? Well, who best to sell marriage than those who are married? Who best
to sell equality in marriage than someone who has such a relationship? And in
Nigeria, it is the man that marries a woman. And because of the structuring of
the society, a woman on her own cannot achieve equality in her marriage without
her man buying into it. Thus, we need the men. We need them to help reframe
this cause. We need them talking about being in a loving relationship with a
woman who believes in equality. We need men talking about believing in
equality. We need married women and men reframing the understanding of a
marriage relationship by talking about the place of equality in their homes.
Yes, I am married, and yes I consider my marriage a great achievement – not
just because I did get married, but because I haven’t abandoned ship as marriage
is an incredibly difficult institution. What’s more, I am very proud of the man
I married. A man who considers me his equal and the word “submission” has no
place in our relationship. Maybe if I had married a different kind of man, I
won’t have the happy story I have today. Yet, I am a very, very ambitious woman
who is eager to go out and make a name for herself. So yes I would be flattered
if I think I could inspire a young woman to look at me and think, “she is
married and she is a feminist; it can’t be that bad.” Women like me who are married
to men like MM should be vocal about gender equality. Men like MM shouldn’t be
drowned out. They are strong men whose women love and respect them. They should
speak for equality.
Ciao.
Bitches Be Crazy ... And Have The Right To Do Stupid Shit
Someone I greatly
admire and respect once scolded me for using the b-word on Twitter. I had
written “these bitches should know not to fuck with X” in reference to some hot
topic that was trending. To be frank, I didn’t – and I still don’t – get why I was
to refrain from using that word. I just checked, the dictionary defines bitch
as – one of its many – a slang for (a) a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person,
especially a woman [why especially, I wonder?
Men are equally malicious, unpleasant and selfish]. (b) A lewd woman, and (c)
[disparaging and offensive] any women. So, at the very basic of it, bitch is
not a nice word. Then again, neither is ‘fuck’ which I use rather too generously.
And seeing as I am not one to shy away from swear words, bitch would be to me
another of those NSFW I should probably wash my mouth clean of. Still, it is
curious, why wasn’t I told to stop saying ‘fuck’ at this particular instance? Why
didn’t ‘fuck’ offend as much as ‘bitch’ did? Because last I checked, fuck can
be used to disparage and to offend, and a lot of the times it is specifically targeted
at women.
I can understand
someone saying that the word has a sexist connotation, as I have already sort
of pointed out. But does say that I must be using it in that way? And that for every
time I say bitch, somewhere in the world ten women lose their self-esteem? Let us
also say for argument sake, that simply using the b-word demeans women no
matter the context, if directed at a man, does it also demean him, and in the
same way it does a woman? And suppose a person actually intended to demean,
does it do it for the particular woman it is said to or to every woman on the
planet by extension? And if the latter, what is the logic behind it? And if the
former, can I argue that I have the right to demean whomever I so wish to? In
the extreme and pretty unlikely scenario, supposing I decide that someone has
exhibited a very bitch-like behaviour (see definition a) that warrants
demeaning (it feels funny that I should add this, but we live in a PC world and
one needs to cover one’s ass as much as one can – not on grounds of their race,
gender or status), can I then say that such a person is in fact being a nasty
little bitch? I mean, I have called one or two people stupid in my days, and
that wasn’t intended to exalt them. Or maybe saying bitch is far much more
demeaning than stupid. Maybe I should say stupid if I only wish to mildly
demean, and bitch when I really want it to hit home?
If you are wondering why
I am talking about this, it is because of all the commotion about Beyoncé and
her supposedly appropriation – and twisting up – of feminism. Beyoncé says she
is a feminist, plenty Doubting Thomas’s scream, ‘you lie!’ They highlight her
objectification of women – Beyoncé loves being sexy, and she will be sexy any
damn way she possibly can, and much of those ways involve little clothes and
her butt thrust out. Secondly, Beyoncé sampled Chimamanda’s TedxEuston speech in
her song, Flawless. The speech where Chimamanda called on everyone to be
feminist, a message folks say is in contradiction with everything else in Beyoncé’s
song, especially the part where Beyoncé invites some unnamed bitches to bow
down (to her?). Now, I am not a Beyoncé fan. However, I feel her latest album
is her most honest. She has shed her Miss Goody-two-shoes image for this one in
the way she hasn’t in all her previous albums. No more any of that bullshit
talk of alter ego (or am I wrong?), that absolute crap about how another personality
takes over when she is on stage. Bitch, give it a rest! You’re freaky through
and through, and you know it. Ain’t nobody taking over nothing. It’s all you. All
you, from start to finish. Now if you can stop with all that irritating pretence
and own your badness, I will love you the way I love Rihanna (badly behaving
women who don’t give a shit I find very intriguing).
Okay, got carried away
there. Back to the subject. Is Beyoncé any less a feminist (or maybe not at
all) because she likes her clothes virtually nonexistent and she thinks bitches
should bow down to her greatness? Of course not! Now, I am not learned in
gender studies and everything I know about feminism is largely layman. This means
that some of the nuances of the ideology are unknown to me. And, if I will be
honest, I kind of prefer it like that. So, if you want to disagree with me
about what feminism is or isn’t, please keep it simple. All I know, and on this
I stand, is that men and women are equal and no one is more important than the
other. That means both sexes are equally able to exercise their right to be as stupid
as they deem fit, and to equally suffer the consequences of their stupidity. In
other words, it is Beyoncé’s right to chose to objectify herself. If people
think less of her as a result, well that’s their right too. Can Beyoncé say
bitch? Ain’t nothing stopping her. It doesn’t make her any less feminist. It may
make her a feminist-who-says-bitch, hence people who do not like
feminists-who-say-bitch may not want to associate with, but that’s just about
it.
Those who argue that
what Beyoncé does affects the women are viewed, I say you are right. Although the
degree to which she does is arguable, but let’s not go into that. What I think
is, instead of screaming at Beyoncé to put on some damn clothes, it may be more
effective – though harder – to reorient people on what sexiness is. And sexiness
as it is right now, I feel, isn’t exactly being dictated by women themselves. The
way I see if, if an industry tells a woman she has to undress to sell, then it
really isn’t equality. They may sell it as that, but it really isn’t. It’s just
the other side of society telling women to cover up, sit with your legs
together, speak quietly, act appropriately etc. It simply is others deciding for
women who they should or shouldn’t do to be considered acceptable. In spite of that,
women can choose that it is the product they want to sell. And it appears Beyoncé
has. Some may think it is stupid, but it is their choice and right. A right feminism
won for them. There would always be others who defile the expectation and
decide to be properly clothed. They say if a man can be sexy fully clothed, so
can they. They too are exercising their right. If there is a feminism hierarchy
– and it does appear there is – this continuous argument about how a feminist
should be tells us that the latter group would rank higher than the former. They
would be the ones doing it the right away. Although, I kind of wonder where a
woman who is persecuted for dressing “too sexily” in a conservative setting
would be on the ranking.
I don’t know. I still
refuse to call myself a feminist, but instead chose to believe different people
express their belief in equality differently. Some in doing good deeds – fostering
solidarity among all the sisters and shit, and advocacy works to help women
realise and exercise their right and shit – and others in doing royally stupid
shit. And I am fine with either. I mean, I may not understand it all, but I’m
fine with it.
Ciao
What Is So Fasinating About Sex?
This is my fifteenth post
since I resumed blogging. So far I have
posted about my kid, my thoughts on feminism, my future plans, my marriage, Angelina
Jolie and my challenges with depression. And I have also blogged about sex – just
one post out of fourteen. Okay, last week's post is partly about sex but only partly so it really doesn't count. But for some reason I can’t understand, this one post about sex has
received the most traffic on this blog. What’s baffling is that I didn’t even
write anything sexual in that post. I just tinkered around about whether to
resume my usual column or not. So, it had to have been the title that drove all
those people to it. And yet I’m the one who just won’t stop writing about sex J.
Anyway, since you’re here,
maybe you can help me out with something. I did start writing for the newspaper
I blogged about. The thing is I seem to have run out of ideas on what to write
about. So far, I have written about pornography – (am all for it by the way, so
long as it’s in moderation and one is over 18 years old) I feel it has its uses
and if more men want to get their babes into watching it with them, then porn
needs to be marketed differently. I have also written about orgasm – there are
a thousand and one reasons why women fake it, and a mutually satisfying
relationship requires partners negotiating their wants. I have written about
condom – who should do the buying? And finally, cheating – what actually is
cheating? **
Basically, these are the four
topics I have written about. Seems pretty small compared to the, I suppose,
infinitely endless things there are to write about sex. But, for whatever ever
reason, I can’t think about what I should write next. What’s more, the paper
has gone print, so I suppose I will be judged as a journalist not merely an
untrained columnist. So, yeah, am a bit apprehensive.
Nevertheless, here are a
few thoughts playing in my head:
- · Issues men have in sex. I’m not a man, so that’s going to be tricky. Apart from premature ejaculation (a topic that sounds a bit more scientific that I’d like), I can’t say I know what those issues are really. Okay, I know they have performance anxiety, just don’t know how that manifests. So, if you’re a man reading this, I need your help.
- · Gender roles in sex – like, who initiates? How much one should want it? Why is it that it is often girls who often judge ‘sluts’ the harshest? All these I could write about, but don’t know the angle to present my argument and whether I have sufficient examples to support my case. Your thoughts on these would help give me a more rounded perspective.
That’s
all I have. So, as you can see I need help with this. Send me an email (ugochime@writeme.com) with suggestions
and your thoughts. I would greatly appreciate it.
** N.B: this post was written ahead of time but scheduled, to allow me
attend to other aspects of my life. By the time it's posted, I may have already published more columns for the newspaper than is mentioned here.
Ciao.
The Hardest Part About Long Distance Marriage
Once
I asked MM what the hardest part about us living apart is for him. He said it's not
being able to go home and make love to his wife. I should think most men would
say the same thing, and perhaps most women too cos many of my friends asked
what I would do for sex when I told them about the PhD thingy – same question
many asked when I first began talking about the MSc. The thing is, and I’m
strictly speaking for myself here, sex isn’t the worst part of our long
distance marriage. Not that I don’t miss it. Of course, I certainly do. Sure folks like to think married people don’t have that much sex anyway, but I think
they have more than naysayers think they do, although possibly less than the romantics want
them do. I think there is a pretty good chance anyone waiting for marriage to have all the sex they want is going to
be disappointed. There is a very slim chance that you will get a spouse to 'give it to you' whenever you want it. They are going to try, but there are going to many days you're going to get a “not today, honey” and you need not take it too hard. That said, I should think MM and I have enough sex for us to feel like a fish out of water if it is no longer available. Nevertheless, sex isn’t what I miss the most being
apart from MM. For one thing, I was pretty used to going without sex when I was
single. I had many periods of long-term celibacy, so it was something I knew I
could do and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. What I hadn’t been prepared for
was how much I had come to depend on being touched by MM – the “non-sex”
physical ways he expresses his love for me.
MM
and I are quite physically affectionate. No, we are not one of those couples
you see by the train kissing, caressing and basically eating up each other. I'd love us to, but my darling man is too shy for such brazen display. But
we touch a lot. For instance, we hold hands when we are driving. We
hold hands when we walk. We hug a lot. Like, I could be in the kitchen and he
would come and hug me on his way to the balcony to bin something. Or he could
be watching a movie (his taste in movies baffle me, so I usually let him get on
with it while I’m doing something else), and I would give him a quick hug on my
way to the refrigerator to get biscuits. We cuddle too. When we are gisting,
the few times we are interested in the same movie (or one of us is being super
sacrificial), or when we are in bed just before we have to get up – and I’m
usually pressing on my phone. Also, we dance once in a while (rather, I grind against him) and
yes, we squeeze/pat/caress each other’s bums a lot!
And
for the past one year, give or take, distance has denied me these pleasures.
It’s hard. I mean, there are sex toys to take care of one’s urges if they are
that pressed. But, nobody has yet to invent a device to hug you spontaneously,
to periodically gaze lovingly at you, to stroke your back, cuddle you or
sniff your neck. I don’t know, but I kind of feel it is a little difficult to
outsource this part. It's not as easy as outsourcing a quickie, for instance. Now, I’m not one of those women who are said to give sex for
love. Nope. In that regard, I’m built like a man. Sex
is for sex. Most importantly, sex is for good sex. I hate trial and error.
So,
since I’m not missing sex as such and because I feel there is a much more higher
chance you’re going to get crappy sex anyway, I haven’t really been tempted to dip into
other ponds. That’s one. The other is, what I really really crave is the
touching. But for someone to touch you in that ways I described, they need to be in love
with you – or at least “in infatuation”, the type of lust so intense
one confuses it for love. Not that I doubt someone could ever feel that
way for me – nobody does, just so you know – but the stakes are higher with
this. There’s more to lose by falling in love with someone who isn’t your
spouse than merely having extramarital sex. I should imagine marriages survives
after infidelity – especially if it was brief and with someone unknown to the spouse. I don’t know how many do after one partner falls in love with
someone else. I should think that is the ultimate betrayal. I mean, how do you
recover from that?
My
marriage is still very important to me, and therefore I am acutely aware of the
dangers of being touched in the way I crave it by someone other than MM. While
some people can separate what they do with someone else from being as in
love and affectionate with their spouse, I just don’t think I have that
capacity. Even if I do, I don’t want to discover it because it’s not worth it. I
like that I have this thing with my husband, that we love each other, and we
are happy. While things are not perfect – we are two pretty hot-tempered,
for example, so you can imagine we had volcano eruption in our home every once in a while (I am the 'yeller', BTW) – but I believe we are committed to each other. And I want to keep it that
way.
So
there. Friends have asked how do I do it. Well, this is how: by reminding
myself, like Becky said to Ross in the 80s (or is it 90s) Christian soap
Another Life, “what it takes to fulfil me, [they] don’t have.” I love being
loved by MM, and I don’t think there is anyone out there that can love me the
way he does. And even if there is, I don’t want them to. Cos I’m happy with
what I have, and no matter how difficult it’s been, I really don’t want to screw
it up.
Ciao.