Monday 23 December 2013
One of the things I learnt from my
program – more so with the political science course I took on health policy –
is that very few things (if any) are ever black and white. Thus to communicate
these many shades of grey, especially to a particular audience, much is
dependent on the language you use. Another word for this is
"framing", which I feel captures it aptly. Simply put, framing is
about choosing to say/present something in the language or context your
audience will best understand or would be more inclined to agree to. It is
about tweaking your message, without changing your core beliefs. For example,
to get the USA to take HIV/AIDS seriously, and to commit their abundant funds
to fight the epidemic, the disease was framed as a security risk to America. It
was no longer just something that was killing those poor, starving Africans
& unfortunate gay men who aren't practicing safe sex. It was no longer a “something
that happens to them” message, but “something that harms us”. And who wouldn't
sit up straighter when they hear the second message compared to the first?
I have been thinking about framing as it is used in gender equality. More in the sense that it hasn't yet been framed right, particularly in Nigeria. Or rather, the majority of the framing has been mostly in the way that rubs people the wrong way. I suppose the message I received on Facebook is an illustration of the image equality has in the mind of many. What happened was that I had written a note and posted a photo from my wedding on our fifth anniversary and someone thought I should know that he thought my “mouth dey leak like some sexual liberated woman, I think. Anyway so it’s surprising you’re married, and with a kid, 5 years straight. I just pictured you as some woman in her thirties with a lot of sexual experience, though presently unattached or at least unmarried.”
I am not going to focus on the
rudeness of being told my “mouth dey leak”, but yeah I was offended by that
message. For one thing, I sometimes picture myself as one of those annoying
married women who always find some ways to drag their husbands and kids into
everything. Online comments, movies/TV shows references tells me there are
plenty who frown at this behaviour, but it is a bad habit I kind of don’t want
to break. I love my family so much, and to have to make great efforts to speak
as little about them as possible, so as not to tick someone off, is not
something I want to do. So, considering that my family is a visible part of my
life, I couldn’t understand why this person had somehow managed to skip out on
all those posts that focused on them but dwelt on those on gender equality and
sex? Of course, people are funny and often tend to see only what they want, but
it did make me think.
Presently, gender equality is very negatively represented
in Nigeria, and this is even among the educated. I know too many well-learned
friends who still think gender equality is all about a woman spending money on her
man, or young ladies who scout for the richest man to marry them. They complain
about women who hoard their money and make their husbands do all the spending.
Women who keep secret bank accounts, and have secret properties. There is also
the talk about the havoc equality wreaks on the family unit. Women are not
willing to submit, and their marriage soon crash. They prefer to gallivant
about town with their single friends and fight over wealthy men with these
women. Then, there is the “loose women” group I was perhaps thought to belong
to – the “sexually liberated” who couldn’t possibly be married because proper married
women don’t behave in that way. This pretty much sums up the picture that is
painted in people’s mind when they think of gender equality. There are even
people who think only women advocate for equality. This is the result of the
way gender equality has been framed – this is the framing that is promoted by
those who are against equality. And because framing works either ways, for good
and for bad, what better way to get people to reject something if not by
showing them that it does not work in their favour, that it is exactly what
they don’t want. Same way that homosexuality was framed as an outcome of
children being sexually abused. Till date, there are people who still buy into
that frame. They tell stories of abused boys who are gay when they grew up, and
say nothing of those raised in a perfectly healthy home and had perfectly
healthy childhood.
In that sense, I think we advocates of equality need to
acknowledge that this is the framing. But beyond that, we need to acknowledge
the underling value behind this frame: that family life is very important to
our society. We can’t negate this value, because to do so means to keep playing
into the hands of those who are actively fighting equality. In other to sell
equality, we need to present it as something that does to threaten this social
value. We need to sell it as pro-family. We would do it in a different way, but
we absolutely need to. What’s more, I know some people will not agree with me,
there is a very good place for Nigerian married men and woman and those in
committed relationships in this. I think that they are positioned to be good
ambassadors of equality. Someone might think, “oh, you are saying we should
teach girls that marriage is all and all.” No, absolutely not. But to
continually emphasise that marriage isn’t all and all, while paying little
attention to marriages where equality has been successfully practiced, would be
reinforcing the existing negative frame. The message becomes, “don't marry; men
are bad.” But people want to marry, so they will turn against
the messenger and reject the message.
If there are few married women and men who are vocal about
gender equality, it gives off the impression that advocates of equality are
women who are all alone, single, or divorced. We are indirectly giving credence
to the erroneous stereotype that has associates equality with bad wives, unruly
women and broken home. So, why do we then play into the frame that hurts our
cause? Should we then be surprised that a young woman, when she is of the age
to marry, would rather swear by her mother and father that she is not a
feminist? Why would she want to be? Human beings are inherently
self-preserving, so you can be assured she is considering what good it does her
to call herself one. If she feels it is going to limit her chances of getting
married, why then should she? If getting married is what she wants, why should
you insist that she gives it up or shame her for having such a desire? If she
feels she is going to be unhappy single, do you tell her she won’t? How do you
know? As someone I know often says, “are you in my head?” So it is for men. To
ask him to live with a woman who keeps secrets, secrets he may consider deadly,
is neglecting his own ideas of what marriage life is.
We need to embrace the fact that marriage holds a social
value, and some people want that. So to buy into equality, people want to be
made to feel that they are not going to lose out on this thing that they have
attached so much value to. Why do I say married people are positioned to sell
equality? Well, who best to sell marriage than those who are married? Who best
to sell equality in marriage than someone who has such a relationship? And in
Nigeria, it is the man that marries a woman. And because of the structuring of
the society, a woman on her own cannot achieve equality in her marriage without
her man buying into it. Thus, we need the men. We need them to help reframe
this cause. We need them talking about being in a loving relationship with a
woman who believes in equality. We need men talking about believing in
equality. We need married women and men reframing the understanding of a
marriage relationship by talking about the place of equality in their homes.
Yes, I am married, and yes I consider my marriage a great achievement – not
just because I did get married, but because I haven’t abandoned ship as marriage
is an incredibly difficult institution. What’s more, I am very proud of the man
I married. A man who considers me his equal and the word “submission” has no
place in our relationship. Maybe if I had married a different kind of man, I
won’t have the happy story I have today. Yet, I am a very, very ambitious woman
who is eager to go out and make a name for herself. So yes I would be flattered
if I think I could inspire a young woman to look at me and think, “she is
married and she is a feminist; it can’t be that bad.” Women like me who are married
to men like MM should be vocal about gender equality. Men like MM shouldn’t be
drowned out. They are strong men whose women love and respect them. They should
speak for equality.
Ciao.
