Sunday 29 September 2013
Once
I asked MM what the hardest part about us living apart is for him. He said it's not
being able to go home and make love to his wife. I should think most men would
say the same thing, and perhaps most women too cos many of my friends asked
what I would do for sex when I told them about the PhD thingy – same question
many asked when I first began talking about the MSc. The thing is, and I’m
strictly speaking for myself here, sex isn’t the worst part of our long
distance marriage. Not that I don’t miss it. Of course, I certainly do. Sure folks like to think married people don’t have that much sex anyway, but I think
they have more than naysayers think they do, although possibly less than the romantics want
them do. I think there is a pretty good chance anyone waiting for marriage to have all the sex they want is going to
be disappointed. There is a very slim chance that you will get a spouse to 'give it to you' whenever you want it. They are going to try, but there are going to many days you're going to get a “not today, honey” and you need not take it too hard. That said, I should think MM and I have enough sex for us to feel like a fish out of water if it is no longer available. Nevertheless, sex isn’t what I miss the most being
apart from MM. For one thing, I was pretty used to going without sex when I was
single. I had many periods of long-term celibacy, so it was something I knew I
could do and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. What I hadn’t been prepared for
was how much I had come to depend on being touched by MM – the “non-sex”
physical ways he expresses his love for me.
MM
and I are quite physically affectionate. No, we are not one of those couples
you see by the train kissing, caressing and basically eating up each other. I'd love us to, but my darling man is too shy for such brazen display. But
we touch a lot. For instance, we hold hands when we are driving. We
hold hands when we walk. We hug a lot. Like, I could be in the kitchen and he
would come and hug me on his way to the balcony to bin something. Or he could
be watching a movie (his taste in movies baffle me, so I usually let him get on
with it while I’m doing something else), and I would give him a quick hug on my
way to the refrigerator to get biscuits. We cuddle too. When we are gisting,
the few times we are interested in the same movie (or one of us is being super
sacrificial), or when we are in bed just before we have to get up – and I’m
usually pressing on my phone. Also, we dance once in a while (rather, I grind against him) and
yes, we squeeze/pat/caress each other’s bums a lot!
And
for the past one year, give or take, distance has denied me these pleasures.
It’s hard. I mean, there are sex toys to take care of one’s urges if they are
that pressed. But, nobody has yet to invent a device to hug you spontaneously,
to periodically gaze lovingly at you, to stroke your back, cuddle you or
sniff your neck. I don’t know, but I kind of feel it is a little difficult to
outsource this part. It's not as easy as outsourcing a quickie, for instance. Now, I’m not one of those women who are said to give sex for
love. Nope. In that regard, I’m built like a man. Sex
is for sex. Most importantly, sex is for good sex. I hate trial and error.
So,
since I’m not missing sex as such and because I feel there is a much more higher
chance you’re going to get crappy sex anyway, I haven’t really been tempted to dip into
other ponds. That’s one. The other is, what I really really crave is the
touching. But for someone to touch you in that ways I described, they need to be in love
with you – or at least “in infatuation”, the type of lust so intense
one confuses it for love. Not that I doubt someone could ever feel that
way for me – nobody does, just so you know – but the stakes are higher with
this. There’s more to lose by falling in love with someone who isn’t your
spouse than merely having extramarital sex. I should imagine marriages survives
after infidelity – especially if it was brief and with someone unknown to the spouse. I don’t know how many do after one partner falls in love with
someone else. I should think that is the ultimate betrayal. I mean, how do you
recover from that?
My
marriage is still very important to me, and therefore I am acutely aware of the
dangers of being touched in the way I crave it by someone other than MM. While
some people can separate what they do with someone else from being as in
love and affectionate with their spouse, I just don’t think I have that
capacity. Even if I do, I don’t want to discover it because it’s not worth it. I
like that I have this thing with my husband, that we love each other, and we
are happy. While things are not perfect – we are two pretty hot-tempered,
for example, so you can imagine we had volcano eruption in our home every once in a while (I am the 'yeller', BTW) – but I believe we are committed to each other. And I want to keep it that
way.
So
there. Friends have asked how do I do it. Well, this is how: by reminding
myself, like Becky said to Ross in the 80s (or is it 90s) Christian soap
Another Life, “what it takes to fulfil me, [they] don’t have.” I love being
loved by MM, and I don’t think there is anyone out there that can love me the
way he does. And even if there is, I don’t want them to. Cos I’m happy with
what I have, and no matter how difficult it’s been, I really don’t want to screw
it up.
Ciao.
Highly Reflective, Open and straight on! This is indeed a concise 'Sanity Alignment Manual'
ReplyDeleteAwww, nice one
ReplyDeleteLove this. I'll definitely miss that too if we had to spend long times apart.
ReplyDeleteAwww. Lol
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this. I'm involved in a long distance relationship and don't know if its going to end up as a long distance marriage though I hope not but this tallies with the questions I sometimes ask myself as to why I got myself involved in a far away romance. When it comes to sex, I am just like you, I hate trial and error but I will happily live without it as a single person, I can't have sex for sex sake, for me, some emotion must be involved. I'm reading this again and will be following you from now on. Thank you
ReplyDeleteBeautiful
ReplyDeletei appreciate your honesty...may God see you guys through..
ReplyDeleteLike i often say, I like the fact that you live by the maxim of being true to yourself. I may not be the fan of some of your conclusions but you are one hell of a beautiful woman for being true to yourself.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you,MM and bomboy. Like Efya sings, it is the LITTLE THINGS that make true love unique. Many more years of little touchings by you and MM.
I forgot to sign off :-)
DeleteLate Gate Crasher.
Thank God!, finally someone noticed the more important little things.
ReplyDeleteThe young immature people go crazy about the 'big thing'
but the truth is ,
it's all about the little things put together.
Thank you and i wish you all the best.