Wednesday 17 July 2013
When I was in my undergraduate, there was this lecturer I admired.
She is pretty, shapely (proper Yoruba hips and ass!! Uh hmmm!), and married to
an Igbo man. She was the head of department at the time I was in my final year
and I asked for her to be my supervisor. I liked her like that. Anyway, since
graduating, we have kept in contact. Whenever I'm at the Uni, I often try to go
say hi to her. And she acted as referee for the two MSc applications I put in
for (I was rejected for one – London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine
[they said I didn't have sufficient experience] and accepted for the other – my
present school). Now that I have been trying to get all my documentations and
selling points together for the PhD application, I once again needed her help.
And so I called her.
The first question she asked, after she had heard me out, was
whether MM lived in London with us. I said no. And she said if I was sure I
wanted to do this PhD, in yet another country far away from my husband. And I
said yes. She said I should know that men are one kind, especially young men.
That I shouldn't be pursuing career and lose my home. Then she asked if I pray
(I don't really, but I needed her help and I wasn't about to make her think I
was some heathen) & how it was absolutely crucial that I commit my husband
to the secret place of the Most High and that I need to step up my game and be
very prayerful.
Now, this is a woman I respect very much. She is an assistant
professor. At the time I called her, she was in Abuja for an official visit.
So, she is not lounging around in her home, living her life just praying for
her husband who is out there in the mean, bad world, & doing nothing else. Also,
I know she held national positions in one or two associations she is part of. Slothful
she is not. I know this is definitely a friendly concern, from an older person
to a younger person. Still, was I surprised by it? A little bit, yes. I kind of
expected since she is not doing badly herself, she would definitely recognise
the passion that propels a woman to want to succeed despite all that may stand
in her way. But, I suppose she wanted me to be aware that there are risks women
face in the pursuit of their careers, risks that men don't. And, as a friend
said, she may be speaking from experience; marriage is hard and certain things
strain it more. Nonetheless, it’s still a little bit sad to hear that from her,
is all. It's like there is a hidden law for women: want a career? Great! Just
don't be too radical. Don't rock the boat too much. A woman can endure it from
a man, but it doesn't go the other way round.
I always say to single women in Nigeria who love to complain about
how everything they have ever achieved is devalued because they are not
married. I don't know, would they rather be held back from achieving anything
because they are married? I strongly believe the best time to make your mark in
life is when you are single and young. ’Cause, you think society is holding you
back now? Ha! Ha! Just wait! Did I ever tell you guys how I was asked during a
job interview if my husband was aware that I wanted this job? If he was going
to be okay with the traveling component of it? Yep, that's you get along with
the ring.
Right now, my family is going, “when are you going to have another
child? When are you going to have another child?” When I have two kids I have
to drag across cities and continents (unfortunately not in jets like Angelina
Jolie and Victoria Beckham), they would probably be the first to scream,
"give these children stability!" Again I don't know, I just don't
think career is easy for a woman, married or single. And this is irrespective
of the state of your home, if you are married. Loads of people (some well
meaning, some aproko-driven) drinking Panadol for the headache they are sure
you have, or that is on the way.
It's all good, though.
Ciao
It's like u say, when u want soemthing, something else has got to give. personally, I think you can do what you want to do, distance(for a relationship with trust) actually strengthens the bond. Though most people would not move so far away, to enable them see their partner once in a while when they can, for me it's all a matter of trust and self control for both parties.
ReplyDeleteExactly! Self control. But it appears people seem to have less and less faith in it.
DeleteVery late to the party but glad i arrived all the same. By the way,your profile pic attracted me here (blushing in shame).
DeleteI feel your pain on the issue and i see the point of your supervisor (mentor). This thing is real and while i am not a fan of these gender squabbles,it is obvious that in the modern world,the problem of balancing marriage and career is a problem for both men and women. It is not a unique female problem. I am speaking from experience. Men who leave their wives at home hopping from planes to cabs in search of one deal after the other are also exposing their homes to fractures.
The issue is not just a matter of self control but a case of limiting the opportunities where self control has to be asserted.I do not believe that once a cheat,always a cheat but i do believe that it takes just one wild act for a home to be wrecked no matter how close the bond in that marriage. It is not a question of choosing between your career and your home. It is a question of making very careful considerations and asking whether the risks we take are what it in the face of the precarious nature of modern homes (don't be deceived to believe otherwise). To do nothing is not an option because nothing guarantees fidelity. We need to be secured enough in our marriages to take risks with our careers but sensible and realistic enough to know where to draw the line.
I wish you all the best in your applications and in your career which ever way it goes.
May your home shine and shine and shine.............
@Anonymous: u r absolutely right
DeleteThe age old question, can we have it all? Prestigious career, doting husband, loving happy children? There is no cookie cutter answer. Some women are more successful at it than others. Their husbands are more supportive, their children less needy, their career more flexible and not even all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteWhat is important is that you do what makes you happy because that is whats going to make it easier for your husband and children to find their own happiness. Your lecturers question to you are an example of the sort of socialization that keeps you conflicted and second guessing your choices.
I bet she wouldn't have asked a guy the same thing or given him the same advice but fact is long distance relationships are challenging for both men and women. I'm a divorce lawyer so I know. Statistically the chances that you have an affair are about the same for you and MM.
A mitigating factor may be that MM provides financial support which if he were to have an affair his new woman would want him to give her so putting pressure on him to end your relationship. Your experience will be different of course. You'll be reluctant to lean on someone else for that £700 for bambino's school. just an e.g. See what I mean?
Don't dwell on it, its an unfortunate seed she has planted in your head though because you can't just forget it can you now?
It wasn't actually a matter of prestigious career I wanted but just a career to begin with, as I was counting years on a job I didn't want to do. So I just felt, I have to do this! Why aren't I stopping at a masters, maybe cos I didn't want to go back to the bottom of the food chain yet again and then spend years trying to climb up. I'm not a pikin anymore. But I don't know, maybe I'm overestimating what a phd would do for me.
DeleteYou are right, she did cast a shadow of doubt in me. Because, truthfully I don't feel there is any danger of MM ending our marriage - definitely not due to distance, or some, as Chris Rock puts it, new pussy. He is just not that type of person. I will never rule out cheating oh - definitely both of us have the capacity and the opportunity to dig into the wrong pond, but I'm kind of hoping we won't. We haven't this far, so maybe we have a little bit of self control I hope will serve us.
But yeah, one wonders. But we'd be okay. I want to believe that.
same late gate crasher.........
DeleteThat assumption that the lecturer's(supervisor's) question does not apply to the man is wrong. Realistic and sincere men also worry about the impact of being away from home in pursuit of their careers. I moved my family overseas with me when i had to pursue a similar graduate program like Ugo. Truth be told, my marriage would not have survived the separation. The modern economy makes it almost a given that if you have an upwardly mobile career,you would have to live apart from your family at some point either while out on cross posting,relieving a colleague (in a MNC) or some grad program in an Ivy league school. Realistic men are actually counting the costs these days and even turning down some of such offers for the good of their families.
it's amazing that u say ur marriage wouldn't have survived the distance. Most men i know don't think of it in that sense. so, this is quite refreshing. My husband's issue was that he thought if we were living apart, i might meet someone else he feels i would love better than i love him (he knew of my affinity of white men. hehehehe). I think that's what scared him the most.
DeleteInteresting
ReplyDeletehttp://trendysturvs.blogspot.com/
I kinda get where madam proffessor is coming from....i personally dont think its a 'woman thing'..i just think that marriage changes your flexibility...like you know my hubs has always wanted to do a phd..he even told me pointblank before we got married and was one of the reasons i put off having kids in the first year of the marriage....but now he has found he cant just up and go like that...he has a family here, he has emotional and financial responsibilities, etc....so he spent a lot of time researching into what will be a compromise and he starts his phd this sept albeit long distance and his research is here in nigeria....
ReplyDeleteIts a win win situation cuz he is here with me and the baby and he also gets to keep his job and still gets his phd
@Doll, some people have the opportunity to make compromises that doesn't see them loosing a lot. Such an opportunity isnt available to everyone. So, really itz a case-by-case basis kind of a thing here. But i do understand what u r saying
DeleteThe professor may have been struggling with the issue of adultery in her own marriage. Either way, it's no reason to discourage you from pursuing it (thankfully though it seems like she wasn't discouraging it). The best question to ask is "Is this what God wants?". The answer to that is the best determinant of what steps you should take.
ReplyDeleteSame old gate crasher..........
DeleteThe assumption that the lecturer was struggling with adultery in her marriage is a slightly naive view. I share Ugo's sentiment that she and her MM have the capacity to dip into the wrong pond. That is a mentality that i love. A mentality that acknowledges the capacity to the evil while accepting that evil is bad in the long run and navigates away from it as much as possible.
Naijahusband, am actually not a "what does God want" kind of a person
Delete