Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Bomboy and I have been living with my mom
since we moved to the UK. It is cheaper – no rent (MM is already carrying
plenty load with that £700/month day care/nursery we saddled on our neck, which is
almost N210k/month if we do the money conversion. Our Naira no get value chaaaaaa!) Also, living with family meant I
had help with bomboy – this I felt was mostly for mouth and that’s as much as I am
willing to say on that for now since as I can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. So
anyway, for nine months I have lived with family and as you would expect,
disagreements berekete. For the most part, it hasn’t been terrible. You vex,
you calm down; life continues. But, for three weeks in June, it got a little
serious. It started with my mom and during that period we weren't speaking. But
the one with my sister kinda went over the top and pretty real damage was done.
Next thing, a family meeting was called with my mom’s pastor in attendance.
Everyone sha let off steam from their chest and nasty accusations
were thrown all around. We are mostly all good now – peace is jejely
returning.
However, there was something mom said when it
was her turn to throw mud. She said I felt big. Was it because I was in my
master’s program, is that why I can’t show her the respect she deserves as my
mother? Her grievance? That I hadn’t come to her to make peace those weeks
she stopped speaking to me. To be honest, I knew that’s what she expected. But
I was mad with her, and felt since she was clearly at fault, why shouldn’t she
apologise? That African method of the child always being wrong no matter what
just didn’t fly with me, and I was determined to stand my ground. But, that’s
not what I want to talk about today. Rather, I want to focus on the feeling big
business.
I really can’t wrap my head around her belief
that I considered a master’s program so acclaimed that I would suddenly think
myself the cat’s meow. One of the places I intern, virtually all the staff are
postgraduates. It seems as if that with a masters, I would be starting at the deep end of my career prospects. I mean when folks are PhD holders with years and years of research and
publication, what is a master's? I am a complete novice, a beginner. In fact, being in junior
management back in Nigeria, I felt far more in control of my life than I feel
here. I have now vied off administration – something I did for seven years – and
come into a different area with very limited experience. Big is the last thing
I feel. Actually, I have never combated self-doubt and feelings of utter
failure since adolescence like I have had to these past months. The only reason
I hadn't sought the help of a psychologist much earlier is because that Naija part of me
still kinda equated it to mental illness. And of course, not having the funds
for a shrink is big part of that reluctance, not being entirely sure what is covered by my free NHS service.
Secondly, I only counted this postgrad
as an achievement once, and that was when I was asking my mom why she never
highlights my positive attributes but keeps recounting my failings. I pointed
out to her that I had been the first of her children to get into the university,
graduate from it, find a job, and now begin a master’s. I added that I
wasn’t just stopping there, but was actively making efforts for a PhD. I was
like, what do I do for you to acknowledge areas I have done well?
Yes, I talk about getting a PhD a lot on this
blog. For those who may not understand why and probably are wearing the same
glasses as my mom, let me expose myself a little. I am someone who believes
that things don’t come to her easily. I keep waiting to be proved wrong, but I
keep being disappointed. When you feel as I do that you always have to fight for
everything you get, you somehow look for the strength to continue in the fight
for as long as you can. That’s because you often feel like giving up with every
door you hoped would open but doesn’t. With every time your self-esteem takes
a beating, you question if you hadn't overvalued your abilities. With every
exam result or application response that comes out less than expected, the message you deduce from it is: sorry, you’re not good enough. You deal with these over and over, and you wonder, "shouldn’t I just
give up torturing myself so?" Wouldn’t my life be easier, happier if I didn’t
have to keep pushing on? You want to quit, but you know that it would hurt like
a bastard. Because not only that people have weighed you and found you wanting,
you have done the same to yourself. I don’t know about some people, but living
would be difficult if I ever accepted to myself that, “you know what, you won’t
amount to much after all.” So, that’s why I go on and on about this PhD. It’s a reminder to
myself that I have to keep pushing. Yes, it may not give me the career
fulfilment that has remained elusive to me. It may not get me that World Bank
or UN job. It may not make me an important person, no matter the capacity. But
I think, if I have it, I could look at myself and say, “you wanted something; you
went after it despite the odds, and you got it!” I need that. Well, until my next project of course.
So anyway, back to this talk about me feeling
big. I think really, when people move into a different level in their lives –
be it marriage, parenthood, career advancement – there is always that risk that someone would feel this ‘accomplishment’ has boosted their confidence and disillusioned them about
their place in the world. That is why a friend will say to you, “is it because
you are married/engaged/in a committed relationship, you think you can advise
me about men.” If the two friends had been on equal footing, the advice
wouldn’t take the hidden meaning it has now taken. But because something has
changed for one, it suddenly is a matter of, "who the hell do you think you are?” I am not
going to lie and say I have never been the person thinking someone has grown
bigger than their breeches. I’m too human not to. Envy is a natural reaction.
Although I have felt it, I’ve mostly refrained from acting on it (okay, maybe it’s
slipped out of me once or twice).
I was disappointed to be accused of feeling too big, because lord knows I have too much demons am battling per time to ever
enjoy any success. But, folks generally have their opinions and you can’t kill
them for it.
Ciao.
I commend you for this. Very brave. I wish you much success. Hang in there. It's a season.
ReplyDeletethanks. things are all good now, though. One happy family
DeleteI knw the feeling. It will work out @ the end
ReplyDeleteitz been fine for a while now. It was just stress on my part dat escalated things
Deletewhile i agree with you
ReplyDeletei kinda get your mum's issue too
african parents mostly (unintentionall)reject independence from their kids-irrespective of the kids's age or status
so while you are busy asserting yourself-all she sees is her child who no longer seemingly needs her and can take on the world alone
so much as you dont get it-your refusal to apologise was you feeling big
dont worry...you in all yourself self righteousness shall tell us different when bomboy becomes married and strives and achieves all his goals...
you must remember that we cant predict how people will feel about things we say or do and vice versa
the thin line between intent and perception is sooooo faint....
God's speed with the PHD
u know! Itz well. Thanks for the best wishes
DeleteI'm curious...does your mom have a master's degree as well?
ReplyDeleteshe started, ddnt finish. why?
Delete