Showing posts with label Feminism. Show all posts
We Love Our Women Poor
So maybe I make everything about gender. I am a woman, and gender
has little ways it screws up my life, so why the hell not. Like all the times I
was called nwa ogbarida by my mom and
relatives as a kid, and how I had filtered it to mean I shouldn’t been visible.
I shouldn't be so out there, for everyone to see me. I shouldn't be seen to like the
sight of myself and the sound of my voice. How I embodied all that disapproval,
and tends to wince when I encounter an innocent little girl who is doing these
things I had done myself. How I would cringe and think this one is in for wahala. Or how I had reacted on seeing Lupita’s
character in 12 Years A Slave dancing so conspicuously. How I thought, “she is
showing off herself; she is asking for trouble,” and even felt sort of
validated when she got hit with a wine (hard) bottle. I had embodied the
mind-set I had raised with, and no matter how much I shout from the rooftop
that a woman decides for herself what she wants to do and should be respected
for it, a teeny whinny part of me thinks a woman who draws attention to herself
will sooner get in trouble. And because I think this, I trip over myself all
the time. Whenever I am involuntarily being out there (I say involuntary
because it is my personality – y’all don’t know how many times I have told
myself that I am going to try to be ‘normal’ and ‘good’ but can’t keep it up), I
half-expect wahala. I am pretty sure
there are many who are waiting for my day of reckoning sef. Perhaps they thought it had come the day I partook in a Breast
Awareness Meme and joked that I had been cheated on for the past 5 months. I
could almost hear folks going, that girl that thinks her husband is the best
thing since sliced bread. Ehen, shebi she don see say men will always be men.
Ehen! Now, she go let us hear word. LOL.
Anyway, this post isn’t about my man, though he remains the best
thing since sliced bread. It is about how gender is a powerful presence in my
life. I am going to start by talking about my mother. Believe me when I say
that she is one very hardworking woman. One area she excels is her passion for
work. Na proper jacky that woman be.
She sleeps so little and goes into her office every single day of the week. And I’m
not just talking about the so-called feminine work – the house-chores – that
aren’t monetized, that are of little financial gain to women. I am talking
about ‘real’ work. My mother is an ambitious woman; she is the type of person
who yearns for an executive position, a position of authority. Unfortunately,
despite her passion, her hard work, that kind of career advancement she wants
has eluded her. She is fifty-four years old now, and doesn’t even have
financial security, after all these years of toiling at work without rest. My
mother believes, and I quite agree, that if she had been a man she wouldn’t
need to work this hard. Or rather, that she would commit the hours as she has
as a women, but the difference would be that her ROI (return on [time]
investment) would be higher. She would do the same amount of work she’s always
done but get a much higher income. A man and a woman would do the same sort of
thing, but a man takes more home at the end of the day because he is a man.
Anyone who doubts me or thinks I am spouting nonsense from my ass, please
google DFID’s extensive research on gender in Nigeria. What the document
doesn’t exactly state, but what I am believe to be true, is that men get more
because they are perceived to need it more.
Most of you will agree with me that a woman’s income is seen in
Nigeria to be jara even when it’s
clearly not. An employer may be inclined to tell her, “why are you stressing
yourself like this, eh? Go and get a man to take care of you” rather than
accept her proposal for higher wages. On the other hand, a male employee (who
is diligent in world, committed to pushing the country forward) won’t ever have
to hear such rubbish. He is in a better position to negotiate successfully. For
one, if he isn’t a shifty character, his time at the company is seen to be more
reliable because it is steadier. He isn’t going to be away on maternity leave –
even companies that are generous enough to give paternity leave don’t offer 3
paid months of it. When his kids are sick, his wife would be called upon not him.
His kids’ school authorities wouldn’t expect him to be the one attending PTAs
(just as bomboy’s class teacher expressed her surprise when MM that came for
PTA, not me). And if he works late at night, the possibility that his wife will
storm into office to make trouble and accuse him of sleeping with his boss is
low. Or that she would wake up in the mornings paranoid that her husband’s job is an
avenue for him to meet women, therefore he must resign and stay at home to take
care of the children. Thus making him more valuable. And if these aren’t enough
advantage, he is perceived to need the money to take care of the women in his
life. His income isn’t jara, so when
he presses for a raise or is driving a hard bargain during the recruitment
process, he wouldn’t be seen as a greedy motherfucker who only wastes his salary
on clothes, makeup and shoes.
However,
beyond the mindset employers may be working with, there is the matter of the
way women regard money. I am going to use myself as an example. In all the time
I have been working, I have never asked for a raise. I have only once sort of
refused a job because I felt the remuneration on offer left little to be
desired. I say sort of because I didn't tell them to take the job and shove it
up their ass. I simply argued that I was worth more. They couldn't afford
to pay more, so we mutually shook hands and say we shall meet again. Even then,
I would sometimes admonish myself. Maybe I should have taken what was offered,
even though it really wouldn't to benefit me financially. After all, wasn’t I
the kind of person who would say I was doing it for the experience, or I was
doing it because I was pregnant and nobody else wants to employ a pregnant
woman, I was doing it because I'm not the sort of person to fold my arms and
stay at home, or I'm doing it because of this and because of that. There is
always a reason why I am willing to take a job, and then moan thereafter about
people who got paid handsomely.
Perhaps
the reason I can afford to do this is because my basic survival isn’t dependent
on these jobs. True, I am quite low maintenance. Aside from my madness for Apple
products, I find it hard to spend what I see as an obscene amount of money on
anything. I buy cheap clothes or quality clothes at huge discounts. I recently began
buying M.A.C products, and mehn it took some psyching oh. Like the N3,500 I
paid for an eyeliner. Na wa ya. I asked myself, abi no be the same thing N100
own dey do e dey do? I be proper 'Aye' babe. *hisses and reminds myself say na
only one life I get oh ... na when I dey plan to enjoy am? Anyway, you get the
picture. My cheapness aside, it could be that the main reason I can afford to
work for pennies is because I’ve a husband who can afford to keep me, feed me,
clothe me, house me and take adequate care of our son. Our basic needs are no issue;
frivolities postponed till when country better. And if I think this way, it
means I did actually buy into exactly the kind of mind-set that kept Nigerian
women poor. My income is really jara.
For days I have wanted a M.A.C powder brush that costs N20,000. With my small change, I could jejely buy it without hearing husband
scream, “twenty thousand for gini?” Because truly if bomboy's school was impatiently
waited for my salary to land so it could get their fees, I wouldn’t be so
altruistic. I would be howling, “show me the motherfucking money!”
Or
maybe I still would. Maybe I would be concerned about how I would appear. Afraid I would be thought of as greedy. A ‘what does she want all that
money for sef?’ kind of situation. After all, sitting on the business class
section of the airplane (my second time ever, yay!!), my mind briefly went to the
people who may be thinking, “see this small girl, I wonder who is really paying for
that seat.” You know, because men have money and women don't, and if a woman is
spending more than the bare minimum then it had to have come from a man.
Perhaps absolutely nobody thinks that. It could be all in my head. Real or merely my
erroneous perception, it is something that discourages me from flashiness. The
fear that it would put a question mark on my source of funding. At least I
am married, so my husband is the first suspect. Not some Alhaji or Senator, or
bank manager. What about single women who, because they want to get married,
are turned off by jobs or positions that will bring them ‘too much money’? They
don’t want their integrity debated about. Perhaps they too had had it drummed
into their ears that virtue in a woman is in being demure, in quietness.
Society keeps showing them, through Nollywood and even Hollywood (hello, Being
Mary Jane), that there is a very good chance that a woman with shit load of money
and career success is going to end up alone. So, by Jove, even if being Onyeoma CY doesn’t come natural to them,
they are going to fake it till it becomes second nature.
So
yeah, gender is very much a part of my everyday life. It isn't something I
encounter on paper, or something the West stuffs down my throat. I honestly
feel I don't talk about it enough. But of course, you all are free to disagree.
Ciao!
P:S: Last week I posted something
about Giants of History. I honestly couldn’t stress enough how this is a book
to buy, even if you have a phobia for books. Seriously. Hey, it is Easter by the corner, and hampers are going
on. Chuck this one in there, and make someone’s day! By the way, I hope you all
clicked on the link and some can make it to the book launch. I still have my invite
for anyone who wants it.
Why We Need Nigerian Married Men and Women Pushing For Gender Equality
One of the things I learnt from my
program – more so with the political science course I took on health policy –
is that very few things (if any) are ever black and white. Thus to communicate
these many shades of grey, especially to a particular audience, much is
dependent on the language you use. Another word for this is
"framing", which I feel captures it aptly. Simply put, framing is
about choosing to say/present something in the language or context your
audience will best understand or would be more inclined to agree to. It is
about tweaking your message, without changing your core beliefs. For example,
to get the USA to take HIV/AIDS seriously, and to commit their abundant funds
to fight the epidemic, the disease was framed as a security risk to America. It
was no longer just something that was killing those poor, starving Africans
& unfortunate gay men who aren't practicing safe sex. It was no longer a “something
that happens to them” message, but “something that harms us”. And who wouldn't
sit up straighter when they hear the second message compared to the first?
I have been thinking about framing as it is used in gender equality. More in the sense that it hasn't yet been framed right, particularly in Nigeria. Or rather, the majority of the framing has been mostly in the way that rubs people the wrong way. I suppose the message I received on Facebook is an illustration of the image equality has in the mind of many. What happened was that I had written a note and posted a photo from my wedding on our fifth anniversary and someone thought I should know that he thought my “mouth dey leak like some sexual liberated woman, I think. Anyway so it’s surprising you’re married, and with a kid, 5 years straight. I just pictured you as some woman in her thirties with a lot of sexual experience, though presently unattached or at least unmarried.”
I am not going to focus on the
rudeness of being told my “mouth dey leak”, but yeah I was offended by that
message. For one thing, I sometimes picture myself as one of those annoying
married women who always find some ways to drag their husbands and kids into
everything. Online comments, movies/TV shows references tells me there are
plenty who frown at this behaviour, but it is a bad habit I kind of don’t want
to break. I love my family so much, and to have to make great efforts to speak
as little about them as possible, so as not to tick someone off, is not
something I want to do. So, considering that my family is a visible part of my
life, I couldn’t understand why this person had somehow managed to skip out on
all those posts that focused on them but dwelt on those on gender equality and
sex? Of course, people are funny and often tend to see only what they want, but
it did make me think.
Presently, gender equality is very negatively represented
in Nigeria, and this is even among the educated. I know too many well-learned
friends who still think gender equality is all about a woman spending money on her
man, or young ladies who scout for the richest man to marry them. They complain
about women who hoard their money and make their husbands do all the spending.
Women who keep secret bank accounts, and have secret properties. There is also
the talk about the havoc equality wreaks on the family unit. Women are not
willing to submit, and their marriage soon crash. They prefer to gallivant
about town with their single friends and fight over wealthy men with these
women. Then, there is the “loose women” group I was perhaps thought to belong
to – the “sexually liberated” who couldn’t possibly be married because proper married
women don’t behave in that way. This pretty much sums up the picture that is
painted in people’s mind when they think of gender equality. There are even
people who think only women advocate for equality. This is the result of the
way gender equality has been framed – this is the framing that is promoted by
those who are against equality. And because framing works either ways, for good
and for bad, what better way to get people to reject something if not by
showing them that it does not work in their favour, that it is exactly what
they don’t want. Same way that homosexuality was framed as an outcome of
children being sexually abused. Till date, there are people who still buy into
that frame. They tell stories of abused boys who are gay when they grew up, and
say nothing of those raised in a perfectly healthy home and had perfectly
healthy childhood.
In that sense, I think we advocates of equality need to
acknowledge that this is the framing. But beyond that, we need to acknowledge
the underling value behind this frame: that family life is very important to
our society. We can’t negate this value, because to do so means to keep playing
into the hands of those who are actively fighting equality. In other to sell
equality, we need to present it as something that does to threaten this social
value. We need to sell it as pro-family. We would do it in a different way, but
we absolutely need to. What’s more, I know some people will not agree with me,
there is a very good place for Nigerian married men and woman and those in
committed relationships in this. I think that they are positioned to be good
ambassadors of equality. Someone might think, “oh, you are saying we should
teach girls that marriage is all and all.” No, absolutely not. But to
continually emphasise that marriage isn’t all and all, while paying little
attention to marriages where equality has been successfully practiced, would be
reinforcing the existing negative frame. The message becomes, “don't marry; men
are bad.” But people want to marry, so they will turn against
the messenger and reject the message.
If there are few married women and men who are vocal about
gender equality, it gives off the impression that advocates of equality are
women who are all alone, single, or divorced. We are indirectly giving credence
to the erroneous stereotype that has associates equality with bad wives, unruly
women and broken home. So, why do we then play into the frame that hurts our
cause? Should we then be surprised that a young woman, when she is of the age
to marry, would rather swear by her mother and father that she is not a
feminist? Why would she want to be? Human beings are inherently
self-preserving, so you can be assured she is considering what good it does her
to call herself one. If she feels it is going to limit her chances of getting
married, why then should she? If getting married is what she wants, why should
you insist that she gives it up or shame her for having such a desire? If she
feels she is going to be unhappy single, do you tell her she won’t? How do you
know? As someone I know often says, “are you in my head?” So it is for men. To
ask him to live with a woman who keeps secrets, secrets he may consider deadly,
is neglecting his own ideas of what marriage life is.
We need to embrace the fact that marriage holds a social
value, and some people want that. So to buy into equality, people want to be
made to feel that they are not going to lose out on this thing that they have
attached so much value to. Why do I say married people are positioned to sell
equality? Well, who best to sell marriage than those who are married? Who best
to sell equality in marriage than someone who has such a relationship? And in
Nigeria, it is the man that marries a woman. And because of the structuring of
the society, a woman on her own cannot achieve equality in her marriage without
her man buying into it. Thus, we need the men. We need them to help reframe
this cause. We need them talking about being in a loving relationship with a
woman who believes in equality. We need men talking about believing in
equality. We need married women and men reframing the understanding of a
marriage relationship by talking about the place of equality in their homes.
Yes, I am married, and yes I consider my marriage a great achievement – not
just because I did get married, but because I haven’t abandoned ship as marriage
is an incredibly difficult institution. What’s more, I am very proud of the man
I married. A man who considers me his equal and the word “submission” has no
place in our relationship. Maybe if I had married a different kind of man, I
won’t have the happy story I have today. Yet, I am a very, very ambitious woman
who is eager to go out and make a name for herself. So yes I would be flattered
if I think I could inspire a young woman to look at me and think, “she is
married and she is a feminist; it can’t be that bad.” Women like me who are married
to men like MM should be vocal about gender equality. Men like MM shouldn’t be
drowned out. They are strong men whose women love and respect them. They should
speak for equality.
Ciao.